yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I am available for nakedness
And then he peed in my hair
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