i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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