Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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