just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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