winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
