she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
