??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize