I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
