You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
