Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
