I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
