I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
