I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
