Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
not ubering you a puppy
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
