His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize