According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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