Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
