It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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