Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
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