the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
