I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
