so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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