she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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