Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
