Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
