He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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