i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
