What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
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