I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
