seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
