Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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