Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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