if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
