i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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