Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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