just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
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