I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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