im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
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