The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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