worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
