im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
