I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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