Don't you send me to vm
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
