just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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