why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
