I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize