He disabled his match.com account in front of me
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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