you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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