There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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