All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize