You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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