Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
