This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
