You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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