Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
