My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
