i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
