This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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