I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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