I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
