you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
