Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
