Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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