My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
