textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize